Growing up, my childhood was amazing and exciting. My parents moved to Mexico as missionaries when I was 4 and I got a front seat to see all the fun, exciting aspects of a foreign country. From an early age I’d grown extremely fond of sports and books. I excelled in gymnastics, basketball, and tennis. I was a star student from the very beginning and had a passion for academics.

My family was, in my mind, the best. They loved me, helped me in the bad times, celebrated the good times, and overall were a safe place and strong team that had really fun, joyous times together.

Life seemed like a breeze. Until, it wasn’t.

I graduated high school at 16 with the ambition of going to Bible college in Europe. Shortly before graduation though, I started experiencing feelings of depression. I had a very exciting future ahead of me as I was attending college in Hungary and was planning on moving to East Asia afterwards for mission work.

It didn’t make sense for me to start feeling hopeless and even purpose-less.

Another challenge I began facing was that I couldn’t stand being in crowds or any public places without getting anxiety. Filled with fear and irrational paranoia of something bad happening to me at any moment, I became less and less sociable.

My time at Bible college was far from enjoyable. I felt trapped by depression and anxiety and I hid from people as much as I could. I couldn’t enjoy my classes or focus on assignments.

This was not the “real” me, and I knew it.

But I couldn’t seem to get free of my depressive moods or anxious mindset.

I started thinking about suicide halfway through school and I attempted suicide right before graduation. It was scary, but at the same time, I felt numb to the severity of taking my own life or thinking of death.

I went back home to Mexico after graduation and was able to gather my bearings again. Being with my family was healing and comforting. During my time home I got to learn more of God’s care for me through times when I feel helpless. As my Creator, He knows what I’m made of and how to best help my mind and heart. Knowing my worth in His eyes, I was able to garner the courage to move to Hong Kong some months after going home.

An opportunity came up to join a mission organization and I was filled with excitement at the prospect of having my dream coming true of moving to Asia, just like I’d felt called to do since I was 11.

I moved to Hong Kong at 18. The first few weeks were thrilling and exhilarating with all the new things I was experiencing and places I was visiting.

Till the old feelings of hopelessness and anxiety came back. And stronger than before.

As I kept myself busy with ministry, friends, and church, I fell deeper and deeper into depression and couldn’t feel any joy or relief.

Then came my first big anxiety attack.

I felt like I was suffocating. My heart beat so fast, I thought it would explode. Suddenly all the sounds of the cars, people, and announcements became louder than ever and I lost myself. My tears started flowing and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t breathe well nor could I think clearly. I really thought I was going to die right then and there. It was surreal and terrifying.

After that occasion, the attacks became more frequent.

When I was 19 I started self harming.

I couldn’t stop thinking about how I didn’t feel any reason to remain alive if I was to endure this mental torment the rest of my life.

I felt I could never go back to the care-free, fun person I used to be. I definitely no longer had interest in sports of any kind, felt no motivation to pursue more education, and had no wish to be around people if I could help it.

On the outside, my life looked pretty good. At 20, I’d become a writer for a well known Christian org, I was heavily involved in church work as well as serving in a ministry in HK’s red light district, and I had a beyond-amazing boyfriend who loved me immensely.

But still, my inward battles raged and I felt close to losing them.

Almost since moving to HK I began being open about my struggles and spent time talking with my pastor, family, and friends. But soon, with the help of these same people, I realized I needed to take the next step and get more help on a professional level.

So through the encouragement of the aforementioned people, I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking meds for depression and anxiety.

My doctor helped me recognize mental health to be just as valid as other physical ailments. Like if you have pneumonia, of course you’re going to see a doctor and take meds; your body needs help in reconstructing what’s been broken down. And the same applies to any mental illness.

It’s been a year since I got on the road to recovery. There have been times of going back to self harm and falling into deep depression where I can’t think clearly about myself or life, but being on meds has massively helped rebalance my brain chemicals and life has greatly improved.

I continue to develop as a writer, I’m still involved with reaching out to women who are sexually exploited in the red light district, and I’m now married to the absolute love of my life.

Depression and anxiety might never fully leave, but they also might. I don’t know. Regardless of which though, I have learned and experienced a lot of the truth that God in His infinite power saved me to give me new life, and that same power is there to carry me through it.

Life does get better, and I’m so glad I’m here to see it happen.