Have you ever seen a puppet play? The puppeteer controls the rods, and strings to move the body, head, and limbs of the puppet. Living with an eating disorder is just like a puppet play, where I became the puppet, whose thoughts and movement are controlled by my disorder.
My story is a bit different from other eating disorder patients. Since a young age, I have trained very hard to become a competitive swimmer. I pushed myself to the limit, and always tried my best even when I felt very sick, as I knew that my coach and parents had high expectations of me. Later on, with increasing workload from school, my performance in swimming had started going downhill, which led me to quit swimming. This decision made me more and more insecure about myself, I was desperate to find something that could make me stand out.
Since I have always had a big appetite, I thought this could be a “talent” that would make me stand out. On a school trip, I started showing off the amount of food I can eat by constantly binge eating. Later on, I became more obsessed with eating and constantly watches food related videos. People started making comments on my change in body shape which made me more aware of my body, so I started working out at home to make myself feel better. But still, my unhealthy obsession with food kept me overeating, and I felt super guilty after each binge eating episode.
Due to my struggles with food, and pressure from school, I became more moody and depressed. I wasn’t motivated and felt really bad about myself, friends, and everything. My brain was filled with suicidal thoughts, I didn’t want to live, I wished I was never born. My mom saw how miserable I was and decided to go on a vacation with me, thinking it would cheer me up. During the trip, I ate more than I have ever eaten and my stomach had started to bother me. I was brought to see doctors and specialist every other day but they couldn’t help. My stomach’s situation was getting worse I felt hopeless. I started to fear eating as my stomach hurts really badly after each meal. In the meantime, I was struggling in school as well, I missed school twice a week because of my depressive mood and illnesses, and had completely fallen behind. I was overwhelmed and very anxious about all the school work and suffered from insomnia. I also suffered from panic attacks. I was shouting, screaming, and crying everyday, Mom knew that something was wrong, not just my stomach. She realized that I was mentally unwell.
My parents contacted the hospital immediately to arrange for an urgent appointment with a psychiatrist. I agreed to stay in the child and adolescent psychiatric ward as I knew that I won’t be able to survive if I’m not treated in a short time. At first, I found it extremely tough to get used to the treatment, but I knew it was the only way for me to recover. As an eating disorder patients , we were strictly supervised. All digital devices were forbidden. I was “trapped” in the same ward with other patients with different mental illnesses. Moreover, parents could only visit for 2 hours each day. With my parents’ encouragement, I started a gratitude journal to record things that I am thankful for each day. With the guidance of professionals, I gradually became more emotionally well, my physical body also felt much better. Even though I lost most of my freedom and was completely separated from the outside world, I felt protected and didn’t have to worry too much. My goal was clear: to be healthy, be happy and recover as soon as possible. I started to reflect upon myself and became more aware of my own emotions. I would say my 3 months in the ward went by quickly, and I had started to adapt to my life in the outside world.
It was a really tough experience from the start, but I was lucky enough to have started treatment early after my anxiety had transformed into an eating disorder. I knew that things wouldn’t be the same if I was to get help later. Through the recovery period, I had been able to understand myself a lot more than I did in the past 15 years. I reflected on my way of thinking, learnt more about my personality. I must say that recovering from an eating disorder takes a lot of determination, willpower and support. You are fighting a monster in your head, I have to stay strong. There are a lot of unexpected events that may happen from time to time, it is very easy to get overwhelmed and blinded by negativity. Most of the time, we are not in control of the environment, but we can learn to manage and change our own perspective towards life.
Editor’s note: Learn more about how young people cope with body image and eating disorders here.