When I entered university, the turmoil that my mind went through rocked so many aspects of my life. Being under so much stress from transitioning into a new life, family problems, internal conflicts, and of course, academics, put my mental state into a frenzy. I started feeling insecure, lonely, incompetent, and desperate as I was surrounded by people who were confident, happy, competent, and capable. I wanted to chase after what those people were doing to build up the discrepancies in my life, those being good grades, having a social life, and seeking job opportunities, but instead of solving my problems, I lost purpose in what I was doing. I started living life mechanically, numbing myself to my problems as a response to not feel what I was feeling. I felt so helpless because I knew that the problem was my mind, but I didn’t know how to fix it because no matter what I did, it seemed my problems were increasing in magnitude.
It was hard for me to open up about my struggles at first because I was not sure if the other person could understand what I was going through. I find that a lot of the things I am struggling with currently have to do with my past and my previous unhealthy coping mechanisms. When my father left our family, I couldn’t talk about it to anyone and kept all my emotions bottled up inside me. I did certain things to protect myself from the dangerous world outside, but as I built each wall to protect myself, I was trapping myself at the same time. Each wall I built was like my response to a fear, whether that be fear of abandonment, rejection, failure, etc. I knew the only way I could be free from the wall I built around myself was to come clean about my struggles to someone. For me personally, this person is a leader of a Bible study group on my university campus. This person helped me see that I was hurting myself by isolating myself from mediums of potential help. In short, my mentor helped me to see things through a different perspective and aligned me towards hope, knowing that she cared and truly loved me like a sister.
I’m still currently on a path of healing as my wounds have been engrained deep within me. I already know that it will be painful to break down all these “protective” walls I’ve built around myself, and it has made me think twice about whether it’s worth all the effort. But I’ve realized that I don’t have to go through the journey to healing and restoration alone; there are people that love me so much and are willing to invest their time to help me. The turmoil is not there to destroy me, but there to build me up as a stronger person for a greater purpose than what is already known.